Spring Girl
by PenonPaperFingersonKeys
Summary: She smiles, kisses you on the cheek and she smells like spring.  RE/LE   JP/LE


You're sixteen and you think you're in love. You don't know what love is but you feel like you do, because you're smart, you're intelligent and if you weren't in love she wouldn't make you feel stupid and irrational.

You have a million words you want to say. You want to make her blush, you want to make her feel invincible and pretty and strong, you want to make her cry, jealous, indignant, angry. You want to quote Shakespeare, you want to win her over with words centuries old. You want her to hear you. To notice you. To love you.

When you finally approach her, it's raining, dismal and you hate it. The sky is grey, the colour of charcoal. She loves this weather, her green eyes sparkling as she stares out the window wistfully and you know she wants to dance in the rain, to let it wash away her fears and regrets.

There are words, sentences, hanging between you unsaid. She's a girl on the cusp of woman hood and she's beautiful, invincible, powerful. She can hurt you with a smile, a nod, a shake of a head, a single, solitary sentence.

"Will you go out with me, Lily?" You wonder why people call you kind. You are not kind. You're selfish, cruel and thoughtless. And you know how much you can change and destroy with a single request but you go on anyway and you ignore the guilty tug inside of you when you remember James.

James does not need words. Words are for mere mortals and James is anything but. He's handsome, perfect and charming. James is twice the man you will ever be and, more than that, James is _sure. _You are not; you think, you ponder, you contemplate. Do you deserve the girl who smells of Spring and laughs like Autumn or does James? Because you are Winter and James is Summer and who does that girl with the smile that sparkles like a million twinkling stars deserve? Maybe you already know deep down - you already know she wants, needs, is destined Summer because Summer brings rain and Winter brings snow she has always hated the chill of snow.

But she's sixteen, confused and far too pretty for her own good, so she says yes because on paper you are perfect, theoretically you are meant to be.

On paper James is perfect - in reality he is too; an awkward, broken, painful perfect that you never want to be - and he is hurt easily. Too easily. And words have always been his downfall, they push him from his pedestal and watch him, unfeelingly, as he falls to the floor and crashes, shatters, like a glass doll. Your words will hurt him the most. So you do not speak them.

Gossip does as gossip does though, and the news (_Remus Lupin and Lily Evans are dating!) _reaches him and the most telling thing of all is that you did not tell him yourself. He pretends to be happy because he doesn't really understand - that Summer boy would never hurt a friend and here you are, going out with the girl that he is in love with.

Sirius hates you. Sirius knows words too, cruel, black and cold words that he has gathered from years of having them thrown at him. And he's so intensely, fiercely loyal to James that you are not surprised when he confronts you, shoves you into an empty room and yells at you. The words hit you like daggers, you wince and cower under their truthfulness, and once he is done he hexes you so much you end up in the Hospital Wing for a week. You are not surprised by this either; Sirius is the coldest winter night and unbreakable in all his fierce anger.

You feel vindictively happy when Lily visits you every day with kind, doting words comforting you like a thick blanket, as if you have won a game that you are competing in. Except, if this is a game, your only opposition is yourself.

You know words that break friendships apart and you know words that mend, but you do not use any of them.

Lily is perfect in a way that only she can be - she is flawed, irrational and judgmental and she clings to what she knows, terrified of the world she lives in. But she is perfect in the way Spring is, ever growing, ever beautiful, ever loving.

She is oblivious at the same time she is acutely aware of the effect she has on James and your friendship and it eats at her and you wonder why you're still doing this, why you are still hurting Lily and James and being so _goddamn _selfish.

You continue being selfish - you take her to Hogsmeade. It begins to rain, falling down abruptly in heavy sheets and she looks at you, her eyes gleaming. You join the other students running for cover and shelter under a small strip of roof outside Zonkos and watch with a sort of awe as she begins to dance with herself, arms swinging around in uncoordinated movements, her eyes closed and turned to the sky. A flicker of movement catches your attention and James is standing, on the opposite side of the road, watching her with such a fierce and desperate longing that you can't begin to understand. And she notices him too. A flicker of a smile plays on her face and she forgets about the quiet, shy boy standing outside Zonkos, too scared to get wet, and beckons James over. They dance together in the rain, and do not look at anything but each other.

You leave, make your way up to Hogwarts, and realize that this is love. This is the love described in timeless books and plays because this is unrequited. Because your Spring girl love that Summer boy and you are as lonely as Winter will always be.

After that your relationship begins to fray. You struggle through two months together, but she rarely touches you, and even more rarely kisses you. She has eyes for only James; you watch as she devours his movements, his smile, his sparkling hazel eyes and you feel as if a bit of you is dying. She wants more, needs more, deserves more and you are in the way. She looks at you with remorse and guilt and the words unspoken cut at you like ice. You are Winter and she is too cold for a Spring girl.

You are smart and intelligent but you are also stupid and pathetic and in love with a girl that will never love you back.

She knows words too, she knows words that heal, that hurt, that destroy, that tear down. She knows words that comfort, create, inspire, caress and love.

She knows how to break your heart. And she does. With the precious words you covet so much, with words spoken a million different time, a million different ages, by a million pretty girls.

You watch the tears streak down her cheeks. "I love him."

You know what it's like to shatter, to break and to lie bare in front of the girl you love, vulnerable and scared. You wonder if this is how James feels. All you can do is gape at her helplessly and it begins to rain outside, and you still do not speak because words have failed you. Apart from two: "I'm sorry."

You wonder what you are sorry for; are you sorry for being selfish? For being a terrible friend, causing Sirius' anger, and James' despairing and heart-wrenching pain?

She's your Spring girl except she's not yours, she's James'. But she's not James' either. The only thing she belongs to is the rain. And perhaps James has always understood that better than you and you're stupid for thinking otherwise. There are infinite words that you want to say, to tell her how to feel, how you want her to feel, but you do not speak. She is just a girl. She is perfect and flawed and you aren't good enough, you never were, because you're broken and your face sings of Winter's harsh loneliness.

She smiles, kisses you on the cheek and she smells like Spring.

And when she walks away, you realize that among all of the words you have said to her, the meaningless murmurs and the everyday chatter you never said the three words that could have made her stay. But you doubt even your love could have kept her from her Summer boy. Because Lily may not belong to James, but James would always, always belong to Lily. And you would always belong to Winter.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm expecting to get a lot of hate for the Remus/Lily pairing! What did you think, guys? Opinions**? **This is for the anon on Tumblr who asked for more Lily/James. What do I do? I give them Remus/Lily. MWAHAHAAHAAHA. **


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